Regulation Hat & Danielle & Things.

One night: Novemember 1986:

Duran had just released their No-No-Notorious Album. I asked my father if my cousin Danielle could spend the night so we could listen to Duran's new Album. My father is not one of my favourite people on this planet. He always disdained his brother Dave & his wife Melba, Danielle's parents. Interestingly I call them Dad & Mom now. For whatever reasons, my father never hated one person from our extended family; my cousin Danielle. He always loved her wholeheartedly. And to his credit sometimes he was the coolest mutha on the planet. He said, of course Danille can come over. Just keep your door shut, keep it down and have fun. For anyone reading this that knows my father you know what I'm talking about. Dicotomy in personality.

So Danielle comes over with all of her tapes and records (yes young people, tapes and records. See: Ancient Ruins). BTW I owe my Duraniedom to D. I also owe my Thompson Twindom to her... Oh but that is SO A DIFFERENT STORY... Cue: TO-KY-O! Why can't I ever say no TO-KY-O! HA!HA!

So Danielle is over and my mom has prepared us soft drinks and snacks to eat all night. Mom has always been cool like that. D & I walk into my room and shut the door. We wouldn't be bothered that night. We were in the Duran sanctuary that was my room. Danielle and I put down a blanket and pillows on my bedroom floor and start listening to Notorious. We both have headphones on and are digging the new album. After a while Danielle asked if I wanted to sing New Religion together. Ugh, my heart stopped.

New Religion is a brilliant song on Duran's second album 'Rio'. Ok, it's 1986. I know Duran really well. And like I said I know Duran really well because of Danielle. I attribute half of my musical taste to her guidance for fuck's sake. But I so didn't want to do it. I was so afraid I couldn't get the word's timing right.

Ok so here is the thing, 'New Religion' isn't your normal song. It's Simon at his best. It's a conversation between the ego and the alter ego. It's a back and forth so quick it will make a non-Duranies head spin like a top. Now I'm gonna be signing it with Danielle laying prone on a blanket and pillows!? Usually we would have a big rehearsal and dress-up session before we performed. In the mid-late eighties we would only perform for ourselves. Oh would that change in the early '90s.

With that said, of course I agree cause Danielle was my musical guide. So we both have the Rio album and each pull out the sleeves with the lyrics on them. Oh, the good ol' days. We dump the headphones so we can hear each other singing along with the lyrics.

Before I go on I would just like to say this is the first time in my life I knew what it was like to laugh so hard I thought I was actually going to hurt myself physically without the intention of doing so. Ruptured spleen, broken ribs possibly. Brain aneurysm, perhaps. Wetting one's pants, uh... maybe?

So we start the tape. Thank Duran for putting 'New Religion' as song 6. 1st song on side 2 of 'Rio'. That way we could just keep rewinding it to the beggining of side 2. Otherwise I still may have never known how to sing the song properly to this day. No seriously, there is a proper way to sing it.

Try #1

Me: I've been now sauntering out and down a path sometime
Come on it takes me nowhere which I know
Faces everywhere pulling grins and signs and things
Telling me not there man it's no go don't go there boy

Danielle: No! Stop!
Me: What!?
Danielle: Rewind it. I'm the alter ego, I say "Don't go there boy"
Me: Damn!

Try #2-#4 (Same Thing)

Try #5 ( We get it right, finally) But then this...

Me: I need a reason (I can't think without one now)
Too much learning got to show

Danielle: No! STOP! I sing 'I can't think without one now'
Danielle: Laughing so hard she is making me laugh and we can't even push rewind on the tape.

Try #6 (20 minutes later, we could not stop laughing)

TAPE REWOUND:

Me: Totally sung 'Don't go there Boy' AGAIN!
Danielle: That was my line! She is laughing so hard again. I am like, F-me! It took us forever to get that first one right and now I screwed it up again, I am bawling laughing cause Danielle can't stop laughing...

Try #7 (15-20 minutes later)

Me: "Maybe catch her don't know how"
Danielle: Laughter like no laughter you have ever heard in your life... No!
She cries out! She is now in classic Danielle mode (My favourite mode of Danielle ever) ie: laughing so hard she is crying. Anyone who has ever spent any decent amount of time with Danielle (when she isn't stressed) knows this Danielle. She literally can't speak. I think hear vocal chords actually disappear. I honestly do. She holds her stomach and stares at you, her face turns red and tears are literally rolling down her face. It is one of the most beaufiful things a human being can ever experience. If you have never seen it you might think she is having a stroke. And then it comes out... the BEST LAUGH EVER... That beautiful gasping laugh! Vocal chords are back! Or at least that's what Danielle's brain is telling her vocal chords. In fact the part of Danielle's brain that is telling her vocal chords they are working is being circumvented by that other part of her brain that is saying WE ARE GOIN TO LAUGH AND WE ARE GOING TO LAUGH FOR A VERY VERY VERY VERY LONG TIME!Danielle starts to speak and is comes out like this... "lhalhrrry... Yohhhuuu Fuuuukked up myy dearrrrr."
I LOSE IT! I was already laughing hard. Shit, we were both laughing so hard we were already on our sides. (you can't laugh as hard as D & I do and still be laying on your bellies) I am gasping for air so hard now I have to crawl up onto my bed and I piddle a bit in my pants). SO what do I do? I try to get my words out... Danieeeeel.. "Danieelll, Duh, Duh, Dee, Danyullll... I just peeed!!!!
That was it... We LAUGHED SO HARD it wasn't even funny. We could not stop!!!!
We laughed for an eternity. I was in the fetal postion on my bed. If I didnt get into that postion I would have pissed everywhere. Danielle was still on the floor and rolled away cause she couldnt look at me.

After what seemed like an eternity she finally stood up and never said a word and walk out of my bedroom and went to the bathroom. She walked back in a few minutes later and as soon as she walked in I started rolling. I couldn't help it. To steal an expression my mom always uses. I had my giggle box turned upside down. Danielle bursts into laughfter and sits against the other bed in my room. I can't even look at her. I jump up and bolt, legs-crossed out of the room. I relieve myslef in the bathroom. I walk to the other end of my house where the living room/kitchen are and act like I'm looking for food. Opening cabinents and the fridge. I opened and re-opened everything. I couldn't walk right back in. I couldn't. I would have just started rolling.

So on my trip to the other end of the house I saw my sperm donor (thank you Sean for that term) and my mom watching TV and my mom was smiling at me and my Sperm Donor was smiling too.
I was in a bit of a twilight Zone. But I didn't question it, shit... you dont question when things are good. Instead I went back to my room and as soon as I walked in Danielle and I stared rolling. Seriously rolling. It was the heaviest silent laughter one could ever manage or imagine for that manner. Every single person reading this knows exactly what I'm talking about. Danielle and I were on a high. A high of Diet Pepsi and pretzels.

So the next 30+ tries came with me and Danielle switching ego/alter ego parts numerous times. And we FINALLY got up to this line:

Try #39

Me: Gotta take pay from the paints 'n' sinners, in regulation hats 'n scarves 'n
things
Danielle (laughing unabated) No. no. no. no. Larry who is painting the sinners?
Me: I didn't say that!
Danielle: YES! YOU DID!
ME: AGAIN!

Try#40-#60: Now mind you... we started the song over from the beginning EVERY TIME. Our goal was to get all the way through it once without a single mistake. We killed that hope as soon as Danielle and I layed that blanket and those pillows down. As soon as Danielle and I giggled once we were done. Done in the best of ways.

I don't remember the exact number of times it took for us to get it right. I remember it was over 80, less than 100. But WE DID IT!

US: Gotta take pay from the saints 'n' sinners, in regulation hats 'n scarves 'n things
Walking in formation down the lane. They carry their cross make a church bell
ring
Army majors pull a mean cool truth, they're a-lying in the swimming pool
Searching for the undeniable truth, that a man is just a fool

We spent 5 hours on that one song, us singing it correctly. Ego/Alter Ego. With all of the laughter in between. Once we got it right we didnt even laugh we were so exhausted from laughing so much we just hugged. And then of course had to do it the other way. We had agreed to that half way through the night. It only took us 3 or 4 times to get it right after switching parts. I think it was because we were so tired and had stopped laughing so much and since we finally nailed it once it wasnt a problem to switch parts.

'New Religion' is one of the most intelligent, beautiful songs ever written. I had always loved that song but it wasn't until that sleep over with my cousin (SISTER) Danielle that night in November '86 that I understood what a song, not just 'New Religion' but any song, could mean to any one person. My immediate family was disentegrating at this point. I hated waking up into that family. I was so happy to hang out at Danielle's familys house (4 houses away) before and after school. Did that house have major problems. Yes, horrible problems. Problems most of the people in that immediate family still choose not to discuss to this day. Did I know about these problems? Absolutely. My father would keep us informed on all the "bad stuff".

Here's the funny thing though. I would have given up my mother and father for Melba and Dave in a minute. Switched houses in a second. And strangely enough just 2 years later that propostion presented itself. And I leaped into that New Religion in a heart beat. Danielle I have never sang that song incorrectly since.